Blood Red Ready
by DawnsEve
Summary: Stephanie enters a new phase trying to undo the affects of aging. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Blood-Red Ready

There was blood-red oozing all over the interior of the tiny bathroom. My stomach lurched and I took a few slow, deep breaths to steel myself for the ugly task at hand. I, Stephanie Plum, bond agent, super hero bounty hunter could do this.

It was all my mother's fault, of course. She had cornered me the other morning about my human, ticking time bomb, uh, clock, that was about to ring in the death tolls of my baby-production years. It's not like I haven't been working on changing my life.

In fact, this time tomorrow I will be in the Bahamas, working with Ranger, alias Carlos Manoso, who really is the best detective slash bounty hunter that ever lived in my humble opinion. If things go well, I will make a huge bundle of cash, which is what I am diligently working the hardest to change about my current status; a major cash flow problem. Like zilch. I plan to get a new car and pay off my bills and as long as I stay away from Macy's, I should be good as gold, or green dollars anyway, after I get back from the Islands.

Then, yesterday morning, while looking in the mirror at my baggy eyes from lack of proper sleep due to the lack of a baby production associate, I had noticed IT!

'IT' was a white hair! No, it was a NEON silver hair! I had turned off the light and it actually glowed in the darkness of my seventies-styled bath. I was most definitely spending way too much time in the bathroom.

So, yesterday, in between picking up Neil Schomeill, who was FTA for larceny of a whole truckload of toilet paper from Wally World, I had stopped at our local pharmacy for hair color.

Secretly, I always wanted to be a red-head. Joe, my part time lover and all-time friend, had only the other day prompted me into becoming a red-head with his caustic remarks about how coloring my hair red would then complete the ultimate picture of a ditzy red-head if I did. There are just some things a woman cannot discuss with her lover.

I think my roots turned red right at that moment. I had stomped out of his life and back to my own tiny, sterile apartment.

Joe Morelli, a Trenton detective, was lean and lank in a six-foot frame of smoldering eyes that darkened to chocolate when we made love. However, that final remark about my character had me all hot and mad inside. I was not a ditz! Now, my arch enemy, Joyce Barnhart, was a superb ditz. And, somehow, she made it work for her. Currently, according to Burg News which I had gotten while visiting Zelder's Funeral Home on Pike St for Harry Troutman's viewing, Miss Dumbutt Joyce had recently trolloped off to the Bahamas with a somewhat famous celeb from NYC.

Which explained the blood-red crap all over the bathroom. Well, sort of… In the middle of trying to shake the bottle of hair color to mix it for application, the phone rang. Well, there I am in my birthday suit, mixing caustic chemicals with no prior knowledge of hair coloring techniques and also frustrated because I had spent my last five bucks on said hair color, when the phone rang.

Of course, my cell phone was in my bedroom and the curtains were open. Usually, I never open those curtains because I had previous bad karma from seeing ugly sights staring back at me on the other side of those curtains. Mostly wacko men who wanted to kill me or just mangle me beyond recognition. However, it was a beautiful morning, the birds were singing, and I was feeling brave this morning.

Bravery, yes, to be bold enough to dash to the bedroom for my phone and hastily run back to the bathroom, but not quick enough before the wacko guy outside my window sitting on my fire-escape saw me in all my glory.

Freaked out, I shut the curtain with one hand while opening the cell with the other. A bounty hunter has to acquire lightning quick reflexes to be a good bond agent and opening a cell phone with one hand while taking down a FTA is almost a requirement.

Ignoring the little dots in front of my eyes, I ran back to the bathroom while answering the call.

"Babe" said the voice on the other end.

"Ranger, there's a man sitting on my fire-escape!" I replied.

Now, Ranger is the absolute dream man for all women, perfect voice, eyes, and etcetera. Etcetera meaning seemingly sexually perfect also. And, he has Karma perfected. He knows when to call me, almost like he can smell trouble brewing about ten miles away. That's about how far he was from me at this moment, because his call number was from his office.

"Tank is about one minute from your apartment, he'll be right there."

"Great." I said.

I breathed a sigh of temporary relief and thunked my head against my hand. Ugh! If my mother got wind of this, the news would be all over the Burg about needing to color my hair because I was now an old maid with no prospects of ever getting married. That would be the worst news she could ever hear, that I would never marry. I could be elected President of the United States, but if I was not married, I would still be a loser in her eyes.

I was worried about her finding out since she seemed to find out everything about me. Now, my mother definitely has extra sensory perception regarding my life. It's like little imps are out there keeping track of my event schedule just waiting to report back to her!

Some of my past bounty hunter experiences have driven her to drink. "Sherry Larotti's mother never has to worry that neighbors will call her saying her daughter was on the news and hanging upside down in a tree while trying to capture some idiot who shot his own foot while chasing her. Why can't my daughter work a normal job?" my mother laments every other week or so.

I had just hung up the call when my cell phone chirped again.

Mom! Eek!

"Hi, mom." I answered.

"Stephanie? Are you feeling okay this morning?" she replied, "You sound upset."

"Mother, I just said 'Hi', how can you tell I'm upset with 'Hi'?"

"Uhm, well, a mother knows all and you sound like you're upset about something."

I was starting to get upset. Upset about feeling like I needed to color my hair. Upset about the guy sitting on my fire-escape, upset about Joe…

"Yeah, well, you know how it is when you get up some mornings thinking it's a great day, when everything just starts getting all gobbelty-gooked up… that would be me."

"Gobblety-what? Gooked? Are you coloring your hair? Do you need me to help you? Now, don't worry about that silver hair you have and don't pull it! Three will grow back in its place if you do!"

My mood was definitely going downhill fast.

"Mom, I kinda need to go, I have a ton of things to deal with this morning. And, yes, I plan to be there for dinner tonight." I sighed. My life was totally predictable where my mother was concerned.

Every Friday night, unless I was hanging in a tree somewhere, I arrived at my parent's house for dinner at six o'clock, PM. It was a ritual that prevented me from starving when my food supply was low. That would be about every week. Another item on my "to change" list in my life.

"Well, if you're certain you can handle coloring your hair alone, I'll see you at six sharp, we're having your favorite dessert. You don't want your father to have a coronary waiting for you". Some week, he might, but I always managed to stroll in right on time.

We rang off, I pushed the 'end' button and it chirped again.

"Now what?" I spoke with impatience into the phone.

"Is this a bad time?" It was Morelli. I wanted to scream "Yes!", but I forced myself to be calm.

"I am perfectly fine this beautiful morning." I tried to reply with as little emotion as I could muster.

"Sure, Cupcake," I could feel him grin at the other end, "It could happen with you, NOT!" he replied smugly.

I wanted to hit him in his smugly. But, that would not be good if I decided to reinstate him as my reproduction associate. What was I thinking?

"Whatever!" I hung up on him. The little gizmo chirped again. I sighed. It was Ranger, thankfully.

"Babe." Ranger said, "Are you okay?"

"Fine, the World is a lovely place. Is Tank here yet?" I replied as I blew my hair out of my eyes. I needed to color my hair and meet with my sister, Valerie to cut it for me. Valerie is an adorable little girl inside a womanly figure. She is practically perfect in every way, except for the failure of her first marriage and that her younger daughter is a lot like me. Valerie would never need to color her hair.

"Tank has apprehended the peeping Tom."

"I did not say he was a peeping Tom. How do you know he saw me naked?" I was really upset now. This was exactly what I feared, the entire State of New Jersey would know by noon! I plunked down on the toilet seat in exasperation.

"Naked, well, that would be the best way to see you, Babe." He replied. I could feel my bare doodah ding against the toilet seat.

I groaned.

"You're getting me excited Babe, don't start moaning," he warned. "Unless you need me to come up there right now and take care of the situation."

"It was a groan, not a moan. I'll see you at nine-ish like we planned." I replied. I clicked the red button on my cell.

Then, it happened. I picked up the bottle of hair color, vigorously shook it, the cap blew off and red hair color exploded all over the bathroom!

"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

I was still naked in the bathroom, cleaning, when I heard the click of my front door unlock.

Now, I always lock my door, but that never halts anyone from breaking in except me. Shoot, I mean to take some lessons from Ranger, but he just smiles at me when I bring up the subject.

So, I threw on the robe I had grabbed when the Peeper had appeared, which was now hanging on the door hook being the only place that had not gotten splattered with hair color.

I went out to the living room slash kitchen slash foyer, my multi-purpose not-so-great room, to make sure it was Ranger. I'd always had Ranger vibes from the first moment I saw him and right now the little tapering hairs behind my ears were humming his tune.

Yep, it was Ranger, leaning against the entryway wall and shaking his head at me. Then, he slowly grinned. I knew I was looking bad with all the splotches of hair color on my legs, but I hadn't had time to clean everything yet!. I thought I might have worked up a small sweat trying to get the bathroom clean before it was permanently stained red! Like usual, I hung my head and felt the corners of my mouth tremble.

"Babe", he began, "Your arms have purple splotches on them. Uh oh, you have some in your hair, too" he backed away like I had just developed Bird Flu or something adding, "What is that stuff, anyway? It's all over your legs, too".

"Hair color," I sniffed. I could feel little balls of weeping begin inside my eyes.

"No tears, Babe," he stared a few seconds and then started to pull me into his arms, attempting to hold me without coming in contact with the purple splotches. I started to giggle and hysterics began to bubble up inside. I swallowed and hiccupped a few times.

"Just breathe, Stephanie, slow count, ten, nine, eight...,"

"I'm ok," I brushed his arm away from me, "I just wanted to get a new look and try some hair color for a change. But, now I don't have any left and I used my last few dollars to buy it, so…" as I couldn't think how to end the sentence, I left it to trail along whatever way it wanted.

Ranger studied my legs, "They still look sexy, even with the purple blobs."

I rolled my eyes and he steered me toward the bathroom.

"Need any help with getting those purple marks off, just let me know." He said as he gently pushed me back into the bathroom and shut the door.

Ranger is always so practical and he knows when to stop harassing me. Therefore, I never can decide if I should throw in the towel or throw it off and grab him and hug him and.. Whoa! Stop that thought, I told myself. When Ranger came around, it was always a temptation. If I could have red hair, I knew I could consider doing those impossible things I never seemed able to do and maybe I could be more aggressive. Red hair, right…

An hour later, I was down in the parking lot, talking to Tank. Tank is one of Ranger's Merry Men, a really great guy with really big, uhm, biceps according to my friend Lula.

Now, Tank is also a huge hunk of male testosterone mixed in with a lot of freak accidents when he's near me. At least, he always says it only happens near me, in his own defense. But, I can't blame him for thinking that, as we have a weird past involving broken bones, gunshots, and food fights that he seems to end up in the middle of even though it was never his fault. And, usually, it was because he was trying to save my butt.

Still, he is always polite to the point that I sometimes think he must enjoy the pain of it all, much like being my mother. Well, not exactly…

Tank was telling me how the Peeper was a real pain in the patootie, though that's not the word he used. I was on a clean sweep of my vocabulary right now, due to a bad case of foul-mouthed attitude last month when several of my FTA's taught me some new phrases that I accidentally used in front of my mother when I slipped on my parents' front porch. I almost did not get dessert, so I made a vow to not use four-letter, or three in this case, letter words for a month.

Maybe that's why I got the hiccups earlier, I reflected.

"So, where is he?" I asked, cautiously looking around. I wasn't in a hurry to get reacquainted with Mr. Peeping Tom.

"Well," Tank started, looking at me, then quickly at his knuckles, "He wasn't cooperating very well, so we took him…"

"You took him to the Batcave?" I asked, incredulous. "You took the Peeper, but not me, Shit, I mean Shoot, why don't I ever get to go?"

Tank looked me over, "I ain't your mama, so you don't have to say 'Shoot' for me. And we didn't take him to the Batcave, whatever that is, we took him to Rangeman."

"Oh," I said, sheepishly.

"I can take you to the Batcave sometime if you want me to, but you should ask Ranger about that." He eyed me suspiciously. "Didn't you ever ask him to take you?"

"Well, a long time ago I did, but he said it would mean, uh, never mind," I said a bit cross with myself. I remembered he had said it would involve a lot of undressing and caressing and messing around. 'Ess' curves for Stephanie, he called them. Hmm.

With red hair, maybe I would demand that he take me to the Batcave!

Could my life be any messier? Hmm, another "ess" curve, only curvier.

We jumped into his new Humvee and rolled down Main to Washington and across town to Rangeman. It wasn't the usual route and I watched Tank closely for any sign of worry that we were being tailed.

He smiled, saying, "Just taking precautions. Ranger has picked up on some unusual chatter on the streets lately. He's not worried or anything, but we have this new company we're doing business with that has him on alert."

It must be big to have Ranger telling his Merry Men to take side streets just to pick me up for a new job.

Today, we were scheduled to review a new client's case. Then, early tomorrow morning, a whole team of us were leaving for the Bahamas. It must be a really special client to need so many Merry Men for one security job in the Bahamas. And I wasn't even sure yet why my special skills were needed for this job. But, whatever, I was ready to fly! I still needed to finish packing, so with any luck Ranger would have some new 'necessities' already packed for me. Especially with my low cash flow at the moment, it would be awesome to get a few 'freebies' from Rangeman.

That got me to thinking about food. Food is the one issue I have with Ranger, his love for 'healthy' foods. Like tofu, for instance. I can stomach it if the tofu has been smothered in something that will cover the bland taste, spaghetti or lasagna, for instance.

I was thinking that maybe I should have Tank stop at the Deli to get some tomato sauce, so I would have it with me, just in case.

Pouting, I remembered that I was broke.

Tank looked over at me, "What's up Stephanie? A little birdie's gonna come and sit on your lip."

I grinned. Tank talking like my Grandmother, now that was a hoot. "Oh, it's just that I was thinking about our meeting and tofu and Ranger. Ya know he usually serves food at these lunch meetings. So, then I got to thinking about getting some sauce to cover up that tofu, then I remembered I am busted, flat broke." I smiled at him and hoped he would take the hint.

"Yeah, he does like some weird foods. " Tank thought slowly. Inside I was saying, "C'mon, Tank, get it, get to it!" I wasn't sure if I was reeling him in or he was just taking me somewhere. Augh! Men could be so slow on the uptake!

"Well," he drawled, "I guess we might have time to stop at this little Deli up here at the corner. I can get us some sauce."

My man caught, hook, line and sinker!

A few minutes later, we were at the counter with our tomato sauce, olives, peanut butter, and bag of doughnuts. Tank had that 'I-am-so-gonna-be-in-trouble' look and I was smiling at him sweet as possible for taking the trouble to get me some comfort food.

The older woman in line behind us spoke up, "Honey, this big guy been beating you up or something? What's with all the bruises on your legs?"

Mortified, I shook my head at her and said, "No, ma'am, Tank would never hit me! It's just hair color."

The old gal just shook her head, muttering something about 'stupid stories I'd ever heard'. I tried to ignore her, but I could see Tank glancing at her and turning red.

Geesh! This was my entire fault for getting him in here first off and now he gets accused of being a woman-beater!

Tank paid for the food and we turned to leave, the old crony shouted at Tank, "You should learn how to treat a lady! She deserves better than you, you big lout! Beating on her, the poor thing and leaving those horrible welts all over her!"

She was in a tirade, the words pouring out of her mouth, and then tomatoes were flying across the store. Splat! One landed on Tank's forehead, then another one right in the middle of his shirt. Soon, there was red everywhere!

Dang! She was a great shot!

We rushed out and slammed ourselves into the Humvee, tires screeching and engine roaring down the street. I swear Tank had the thing on two wheels going around the last corner as I held onto the 'O.S' bar for dear life.

Still in one piece, we rolled into Rangeman and after stopping the vehicle, Tank laid his head on the steering wheel and let out a big sigh.

I started to giggle, soon it was a guffaw.

"Ha,ha,ha," I laughed, "Just wait till Ranger and the guys see you.

Tank did not respond, he just let out another huge sigh, opened the door, and headed inside. I was still giggling a bit when I entered the meeting room. The guys were guffawing at Tank's appearance, all except Ranger. He just stood mesmerized by Tank's red tomato slop in his hair and his shirt, his backside and right on his front, uh, zipper. I tried to stifle my chuckles, but they kept leaking out. Ranger shook his head and walked over to the sideboard where the food had been delivered.

The sideboard held coldcuts, cheese, rye and wheat hoagie style rolls and a variety of veggies, salads and tofu. Looking up, I saw Tank's eyes cut over to the tofu, then to me.

Simultaneously, we laughed. No one could speak for a few minutes for all the teeheeing and bahaaing. Even Ranger had a smirk on his face.

"Ok, so what's up with the tofu?" he said.

New fits of laughter sprouted from Tank and me. I sputtered, "He was buying me some olives, teehee, and some marsh-ha-mallows and peanut but-tahha-ter, and some tomato sauce, bah hah, so I wouldn't have to eat to-ho-fu, then this old woman thought I had bruises all over me from Tank beating on me. She starts yelling at him and pelting him with tomatoes. Hehe, he just looks so funny."

Tony, the newbie, added, "Yeah, he looks almost as funny as you with all those purple spots. Hee hee, hahaaa…"

My laughter died in my throat. I cut my eyes over to Tank, who suddenly looked away.

Some of the guys were still laughing and some were trying to clear their throats and wipe the tears from their eyes. I plunked down in a chair with my bag of food and started taking out my comfort foods. This was going to be a long night.

Ranger leaned down and whispered into my ear, "Babe, I know how to make you feel a lot better about those spots." The guys were all talking, munching and trying to ignore us on the other side of the room.

I whispered back, "Really, and what about Morelli?" I took a bite of my peanut butter, olive and hoagie sandwich, munching loudly.

He touched my ear with his lips and the accompanying tingle sent a shiver swirling around my hairline, "News is that you two are off again."

"Ranger, are you trying to take advantage of me when I am down?" I quietly spewed.

He paused a moment to look into my eyes, "Sorry, I told Tank not to mention your spots nor how bad they look. I'm not trying to do anything except to let you know I am available if you want me. Later, Babe."

Then, he stood and called the meeting to order.

I was a mess, my whole life was one big mess and today it was because of the color red.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Our lunch meeting was finally over, complete with Rangeman etiquette involving alot of secret hand signals and back slapping and even a few belches. My PBOlive sandwich, alias peanut butter and olives, was a big hit with the guys as the new menu item for future Rangeman Meetings. I thought Ranger would put a ban on them for being unhealthy, but even he had to admit that it boosted male testosterone and might provide a good afternoon round of energy for taking down FTA's.

I mentally reviewed my options on getting home for Dinner and back to Rangeman afterwards without letting my mother know she'd been right on about the hair. Shoot, even Lula dealt with Life's ups and downs better than I was doing.

That was it! I had to bribe Tank with the promise of another PBOlive sandwich next week to get him to give me a ride to the bail bonds office. Tank

I dashed out of Rangeman practically dragging Tank along with me in my sudden hurry to visit the office. The office, meaning my cousin Vinnie's company Plums Bail Bonds , was on the other side of Trenton closer to the sleazy part of town. Vinnie was a bit of sleaze himself and was once reputed to have wacked off with the assistance of a duck. Connie, our office secretary and general manager, was a bit shorter, a bit more vavoom, and a bit more Italian than me. She kept Vinnie toeing the mark with her no-nonsense attitude and her new Colt 45 in the bottom drawer of her desk. Periodically she removed listening devices from various spots in the office, usually in or near her desk, and then we could watch a real show when she discovered one of Vinnie's newly planted devices.

I had finally convinced Tank that Lula would not be there and was probably home doing her nails or out shoe-shopping and he could swing me by the office without fear of meeting up with her.

Now, Tank and Lula had a past, which had definitely passed when Tank chose kittens over Lula. I mean real kittens with cute pics and all. Lula had given him the heave-ho, which from a former 'ho was downright pathetic, especially since Tank seemed all the happier for the heave-ho.

I stepped inside the office where Connie was berating Vinnie; her Colt pointed directly at his head as he stood, arms flailed out and his body plastered against the back wall. After telling him to get rid of the damn devices, she calmly walked back to her desk; put the Colt in the bottom drawer and Vinnie sneered at us and scooted back into his inner sanctum. Connie greeted us as though this were the most normal day in our universe.

"Hey, Stephanie, great, I'm glad you're here. Here's a couple new Failures for you to find when you get back from the Islands." Connie smiled at Tank and offered him a soda. He smiled as he took the bottle and swigged it while glancing at Vinnie's door. I suspected he had heard a lot of the rumors about Vinnie's self-actualization habits involving dogs and other large mammals. Since I really didn't want to hear more about my cousin's sexual escapades, I picked up the new files and asked Connie if my FTA check had been issued. She reached inside the top drawer and pulled out an envelope. I grabbed it from her, doing a little dance. Tank grinned.

"Oooh yes, now I can get my hair done!" I gleefully informed them. Connie smiled as she scanned my legs, "Good thing, sister, but don't forget to have someone fix your legs. What's with the purple bruises?"

"Long story," I said, "I'll tell you about it when I get back from the Bahamas." Then I checked with Connie about Lula's schedule. She told me Lula had left two hours ago for Macy's shoe department. Lula probably owned half of Macy's stock in dry goods, judging from the amount of shoes and clothing she'd purchased there.

I grinned at Tank, "See, Told ya so." I suggested we head for Macy's at the mall, but Tank said to take his Humvee, he'd stay here and wait for a ride back to Rangeman as Hal was in the area on call.

"But I've never driven a Humvee!" I replied, "How do you find a parking spot that you can back out of?"

He laughed and said I'd make do. Right…

Ten minutes later, I was careening off the freeway exit and turning into the mall entrance. What a ride, maybe my next vehicle would be a Humvee. Or not…

I'd called Lula on her cell and actually gotten her, which was the first time this week. I begged her to take me to her hairdresser. I was elated when she'd called back a few minutes later saying she'd bribed Sholanda, said beautician, to take me right away.

So, she was running out the front doors to Macy's as I braked the Humvee to a quick stop.

"Shit, what you drivin'? This ain't Tank's Humvee now, girl, tell me it ain't so?" Lula demanded.

She was wearing gold spandex capris, it being 'summer an' all', as she put it, with a dazzling white ribbed top etched in a wide band of gold filigree along the top and bottom edges. Her spike-heeled sandals matched, white with gold filigree etchings. My eyes must have bugged out, as Lula gloated, "I don't even care how much it cost! I'm so stoked, Girlie. Look, my skin is glowin' from all this excitement. I thought I needed somethin' a bit more glamorous, ya know 'cuz I got me a hot date tonight!"

We laughed as I headed down the freeway back to our Burg exit. I was feeling it too, the excitement of going to the Bahamas, the 'new' classy look Lula had going for her, the possible promise of an interesting interlude with Ranger while on duty with him. Yikes! My mind was getting side-tracked. Switching gears, I brought the big rig to a grinding halt in front of Sholanda's place and we jumped out.

"I got me a 'pointment while's I was askin' for them to take you on," Lula informed me. "Heck, I gotta look good for tanight Miss Plum and you has gotta look good for the Bahama's!"

We stepped inside and all the noise we'd heard when entering subsided abruptly. Then, a lot of groans and other snide remarks hit us, like "Ooo, she ain't lookin' too good" and "What hit her and left them purpley splotches all over that poor babe?".

Geesh, I'd completely forgotten what a mess I'd made this morning.

Lula took charge, "Sholanda, my goddess of hair beautifyin' process', you have 'xactly three hours to make this pathetic, miser'ble creature into the most beautiful Bahama Mama there evah was!" Listening to Lula rant and gloat was honey to my purpley ears. I tentatively smiled and wiggled my fingers at Sholanda.

She looked very doubtful, but then smiled graciously at me, waggling her fingers at Lula, "Well, I bettah get my magic fingers workin' then!"

Exactly three hours and two minutes later, at precisely Five forty five, I stepped out of Sholanda's Place and glinted into the sun. With the exception of the necessary sunglasses to complete my new look I was now a dazzling beauty, or so I had been told. Right. Sholanda had worked her magic and voila, the red was magically in my hair instead of on my body and best of all, the splotches were gone. Lula had presented me a Bon Voyage gift of a spectacular pantsuit outfit in white and red to match my "new look" she'd said. I had to wave away the tear that pooled in my right eye as Lula threatened me with ripping off my new outfit if I ruined my new look by crying, That made me laugh and everyone in Sholanda's had clapped for us. One little boy, who was waiting for his mama remarked, "Man, dey look good!" as we left. Shoot! How did it get better than that?

Now, I had fifteen minutes to make it on time to my parent's for Dinner. Easy as Pineapple Upside-down Cake, right?

It was one minute to six and we were sitting at the last light before my parent's house. Lula had her stopwatch out and she yelled, "Go!" as the light turned green. We drove about two car lengths and red flashing lights brought us to a quick halt. Lula and I groaned simultaneously. I sat strumming my fingertips on the steering wheel. There was only one cop in all of Trenton who would dare mess with me. And, of course, that would be Joe Morelli, who stood at the side of the Humvee, ticket pad in hand busily writing. I groaned again and felt my head thunk against the steering wheel.

"May I see your driver's license, please?"

"What?" I responded, stupidly staring at his ice-blue eyes. He was avoiding mine, though.

He took a step closer. "New outfit, new hairdo, you got a hot date tonight?" he breathed into my ear. Our lips were about three inches apart. I licked mine. He blinked and repeated the question.

I could smell his sexy aftershave, I could smell him! My senses were having a debate over sexy versus jerky. What to do, the clock was ticking. Which clock? I couldn't decide. I think my eyes must have glazed over or something because Lula was tugging on my shirt and whispering, "Girl, get a grip!"

Morelli looked like he was enjoying the torture which reminded me of the time he tied me to the bed and… Shoot, what was I thinking?

"Have you had Dinner?" Lula asked.

"What?" Joe and I both responded at the same time.

"Stephanie," Lula pouted, "you forgot to invite yo' main man to Dinner at you parent's house tonight? What's with you, Girl?"

I blinked. "Uh, yeah, Officer Morelli, have you had Dinner? I mean, it's just pot roast and those little red potatoes you like and mom's famous gravy. Oh, and you probably don't want any of her pineapple upsidedown cake, but the offer still stands anyway."

Joe leaned his elbows on my doorsill, "Cupcake, that's the best offer I've had all week and if you think trying to bribe a Trenton detective is going to get you back on my, uh, good side… well, yeah, that works for me. I'll follow you!"

Maybe my life wasn't a total mess, and it was all due to the color red!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Dinner was at the dessert stage, Joe and I had chatted calmly, very pleasantly. Weird… He was being way too attentive, so something must be up like he wanted something. Right…

Grandma Mazur thought Lula and I looked divine and Lula kept us entertained with her 'Diva' presence through the entire meal. It made me wonder who the lucky guy was. She really did glow!

Then, everyone had a huge piece of incredibly delicious pineapple upside-down cake on their plate and silence reigned for a few moments, other than the smack, click-click of my grandmother's new dentures. She'd lost them a month ago at a funeral viewing and didn't like the new ones at all. It had ruined Friday night dinner two weeks ago when she got really disgusted with the dentures while trying to chew her meatloaf and she SPIT them out! Disgusted, we all left the table and amazingly, poor Grandma Mazur was still trying to chew the meat without her teeth when we came back an hour later after escaping to Cluck-in-a-Bucket for chicken. So, tonight we were all happily tasting our scrumptious cake when the door flew open and Valerie burst into the house.

Pointing her finger at me, she vehemently exclaimed, "It's all your damn fault. My daughter has gone missing and you're to blame." She marched up to the dinner table, picked up the last piece of pineapple cake and threw it right at my head. I didn't even have time to duck.

Splatt! It hit me right in the forehead, bounced off and landed on my plate. Everyone stared at the piece of cake for a second, then at Valerie. She was still steaming, so I sat there speechless. I mean I couldn't be mad at my sister for ruining the best part of dinner when I was more concerned with my niece, whom I was assuming was Mary Alice. But I hadn't even seen my niece for two weeks.

Lula wiped crumbs off my face and asked us if anyone wanted a second piece of cake. Ignoring Lula while she happily scarfed up the piece Val had thrown at me, we tried to console Valerie and get her to talk sense to us. Morelli took Valerie aside and asked typical detective questions while she occasionally wiped a tear from her cheek in between spastic answers. Soon, a squad car pulled up and Gazarra, our favorite policeman and my cousin's husband, hurried inside. He asked for a picture of Mary Alice, my miscreant niece, so he could post it if needed. My mother went to get the latest photo we had.

Turns out Mary Alice was upset with Valerie, her mother, for not letting her jump off the roof while wearing butterfly wings. Val had caught her standing on the edge of the roof next to the second story window, all ready to jump! So, after getting yelled at and grounded to her room, Mary Alice had packed a bag and stomped off down the street before Valerie had time to realize she was gone.

Now, what did I have to do with that I asked myself? Well, according to Valerie, I had discussed the stages of butterfly development with Mary Alice. Now I remembered we had gone through the stages; larvae, caterpillar, cocoon and finally the emerging butterfly. I had been so proud of her and even told her she was like a butterfly in the cocoon stage. Some day she would be a beautiful butterfly.

I hit my head with my palm remembering another detail. She had asked me if she would fly too. Being the idiot I was, I told her yes, that she would get her wings too, just like I had. She'd asked to see my wings and I told her they were invisible and only special people could see them. Mary Alice had walked around me, scrutinizing me up and down, finally shaking her head in wonder, "Don't see 'em, but I bet they're red!" she'd exclaimed.

"Red," I said, "Why do you think my wings are red?"

"Well", she'd answered, her finger slanted against her cheek, "Dorothy had ruby red slippers in the Wizard of Oz and she escaped from the evil witch just like you can escape from all the bad guys! So, they must be red…" and she'd skipped away happily flapping her arms like they were butterfly wings. Geesh! What a ding-a-ling I could be at times!

No wonder Valerie was disgusted with me. Open mouth, insert foot…

Lula was looking at me like I'd just stolen Christmas from her too.

"Now, girl, wha'd you do this time? Ya know I can't leave one'na my baby girls roamin' out there with all those perverts waitin' ta snatch 'em up and, uh, never mind what they do, let's just get lookin' right now. Hope we can find that chile before I miss out on the best prospect for a man that I've had since Tank got those darn cats. Ahh-choo! See, I can't even think 'bout them!" Lula had a bad cat allergy, one of the reasons she was not with Tank anymore. She took out a hankie, blew her nose and then practically tore off my arm getting me out the door.

I filled Lula in on the butterfly details as we drove the few blocks toward Valerie's house, looking up and down alleys and driveways, stopping to look in and around garages, calling her name. People would come out to see what was going on and Lula would fill them in and tell them to get busy looking for Mary Alice. In about twenty minutes my best guess is that we had about two hundred people looking for a little girl who resembled me, just a lot shorter and pretending to have wings.

Some of the searchers obviously had some predisposed ideas about me because they made comments about another wacky Plum chick trying to fly off the roof.

Guess my reputation always precedes me. I think in my previous life I must have been an eagle or something because during my childhood I was just like Mary Alice, always looking for a way to fly through the air. Only I did actually manage to jump off our roof a few times.

So I could sympathize with Mary Alice a lot, especially with Valerie being her mother and so prissy perfect. I mean who wouldn't want to jump off the roof?

An hour later, Mary Alice was still missing and Valerie was a sobbing mess of motherhood. She was beyond throwing cake at me and people were starting to look at her like they thought Mary Alice was already dead and stuffed somewhere in a dumpster or something.

It made me start to think that we had it all wrong. We weren't thinking like a child who wanted to fly.

And if I wanted to fly where would I go? Lula and I decided to head for the school to look over the playground. We knew we were grasping at straws, but the other options were just not acceptable to me. Besides, I had not had any disturbing vibes like I get sometimes when people go missing. That bad feeling was just not there. Yet…

Ranger rang me up a few minutes later as we ambled out of Lula's car and walked toward the school playground. "What's this I'm hearing on the news? An Amber Alert for your niece? Have you found her yet?"

I ended the call after giving him a quick update.

A hot tear slid down my cheek. With Ranger on board, Mary Alice would be found and that was a certainty. But would she be found in time?

Obviously, she was not at the school. So, where was she?

I looked at Lula, "You're going to miss your date, you need to get going and there's nothing to do now but keep searching. We have a lot of people looking, so…" my voice kind of trailed away. I was thinking about Mary Alice and what she might do.

The zoo wasn't open and I couldn't picture her hitching a ride to Coney Island or anything like that.

"Girl, you're makin' me mad if you think I'd leave one 'o my little girlfriends helpless out there just to go on some blind date with one of Rangers Merry Men". She clapped her hand on her mouth like she couldn't believe she'd just spilled the beans on herself.

Right then, my heart began to hammer in my chest. I felt like Mary Alice really was in trouble, but where to go look for her was the big question. Where was Mary Alice?

"Lula", I began, "Take me home so I can get a few things."

"What's up, Miss Stephanie, you gettin' some ideas or somethin'?"

We ran back to her car. She jumped into the car and revved the engine, "Let's go girl!"

Lula floored it while I strapped myself in.

"Merry Men" I said, "How many Merry Men?"

Lula fanned herself and said she planned to take 'em one at a time.

"Go girl." I replied as Lula wrenched the steering wheel left and then right at the next block. It only seemed like about forty seconds passed before we made it to my apartment. It must have been in record time as her tires screeched to a stop right in front of my apartment complex on the main street. I dashed into the building and took the stairs two steps at a time and barged into my apartment, only realizing at the last second that my door had been open.

There on the couch sat Mary Alice. Her hair was messed, tears were streaked down her cheeks and her blue eyes were rimmed in red. Relieved to see her, I took a step toward her and she saw me and yelled, "Don't Aunt Stephanie, get out before he kills you!"

At that moment the Peeper stepped out from my kitchen. He held a gun in his left hand and was trying to bandage his other hand with some paper towels.

I tried to stay calm and get him to talk or something until someone came to help us.

"What happened to your hand?" I asked Mr. Peeping Tom.

"This lunatic brat tried to cut it off, that's what happened. I should just shoot her to put her out of my misery, the little hell-cat." He started towards her and I stepped calmly in front of him.

"You don't want to do that. The neighbors will call the police and then you'll go to prison for murdering a little girl and the guys in prison will do you like a girl 'cuz they don't put up with that shit, if you get my meaning. Excuse my French, Mary Alice." I stood between the peeper and Mary Alice who was sobbing.

"It's going to be ok, Mary Alice", I added, trying to calm her down and get her to focus on staying alive.

Mr. Peeping Tom was looking a bit faint, but he brandished the gun at us while talking, "Okay, Miss Wiseass, then you tell me what I'm supposed to do with her big mouth telling everyone I'm trying to kill you two, plus I got this hacked up hand! She's the one who tried to kill me!"

Now he was sweating and his hand was heavily bleeding through the paper towels. It looked like Mary Alice did a dang good job of hacking up his hand all right.

"Well, who's going to believe you with you holding that gun?" I yelled back at him. I told myself to get a grip for Mary Alice's sake. Softer, I added, "Why don't you give me the gun and we can explain that it was all a big mistake. She just thought you were trying to hurt her, right?" I held out my hand waiting for his response and attempted to look like I knew what I was doing. In reality, I was praying that he would miraculously hand the gun over to me. Then, I was going to clobber him or kick him or … Shoot? Hmmm…

And this was all due to that dang color red!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Mary Alice and I were in a stupor in body, but I think the Peeper was having doubts about what he should or shouldn't do too. I was thinking he didn't really have a game plan. Maybe he really hadn't been planning to do anything when he came here to my apartment. I just couldn't understand why he had a gun.

Then, looking at the gun, I thought it looked familiar. It was my gun! I was possibly going to be shot with my own gun! Worse, Mary Alice could be shot by my gun! If I wasn't killed by the Peeper, then my sister Valerie would kill me for certain.

I was stuck in a lose-lose situation here.

All kinds of horrific thoughts were crashing their way in and out of my brain and I knew I had to do what a woman has to do.

"So, tell me your name mister." I started rambling.

"His name is George Porshee.

The Peeper and I, er, George and I stared at her. "How do you know his name?" I asked.

I saw his driver's license and it read George E Porshee." Mary Alice said.

George blew out an exasperated sigh, "Like it's pronounced George Por-shay, Porshee. It's French, ya know, like flambee, spelled EE, but you say long A, Por-shay! Damn Yankees! Flambee your ass!"

George was looking really sweaty, like he was ready to pass out.

Right then, Mary Alice winked at me. I couldn't believe it, this guy had a gun and my little niece was having a good time or what?

She calmly said, "You know, Monsewer Porshay, we should go up to the roof so you can get a helicopter in here and make your getaway. That way you don't have to shoot me or my Aunt Stephanie. We can be your hostages until you get on the helicopter, right?"

Once again, George and I both stared at this cute little girl with a freaking huge imagination.

"Damn right, we could do that, couldn't we Aunt Stephanie?" George mimicked Mary Alice. "Why not?" he added, "I'm never gonna make it outta hear without some help now that my hand is all cut to Hell."

"Those words don't sound like French to me, Monsewer Porshay." Mary Alice said in her thinking pose.

"George, I don't think we're gonna be able to get up on the roof." I said quickly to distract him away from Mary Alice.

"Sure we can Aunt Stephanie!" she chirped. I was ready to not quite kill her, but maybe just muzzle her up tight, real tight. I had forgotten how precocious and unpredictable a child could be.

For the third time, we both glared at her. She sat demurely with her hands folded in her lap. She might have been in an interview for the local princess contest for the State Fair. How did she do that?

Waving the gun at us, George said, "Ok, let's go up to the roof. C'mon, get up, move!"

Mary Alice slowly stood and we both moved to the door.

He told me to open the door. I opened it.

"Well, go out," he said.

"Which way?" I replied.

George looked at Mary Alice, "Well," he echoed me, "which way, princess?"

She did an eye roll and crossed her arms, "Duh, we take the stairs up. It goes all the way to the roof. Did you forget, Aunt Stephanie? We went up there to watch the fireworks last summer."

Were kids too honest or what? Geesh!

The roof was actually a pleasant place to be tonight with a nice breeze blowing across the tops of the buildings nearby. Since our building had three stories, it was higher than many of the neighboring roofs. We could see for miles. Too bad we hadn't come up here just for the pleasure of it.

Where was Joe when I needed him? Or Ranger? Lula? Okay, forget thinking Lula could help us.

Think, think, I told myself.

"Ok, call someone to get a helicopter", George commanded, "Hurry up! My hand is killing me!"

I wasn't sure George was going to be conscious for very long, he was looking more pale every minute. If I could just hold out…

I dialed Ranger.

"Babe."

"Yes sir, we need a helicopter here, ASAP!" I tried to make my voice sound different, like I was talking to a stranger so George would think I had called the police.

George grabbed my cell phone out of my hand and started talking into it.

Just then, I looked around for Mary Alice. Where was she, I didn't see her for a minute, then, there she was standing on the ledge. She was right on the top of the edge of our three-story building looking like she was getting ready to jump!

I must have screamed because George dropped the phone, swore a stream of language even Lula wouldn't use and picked up the phone again.

"Mary Alice, get down from there!" I yelled again. Forget George, Valerie would kill me for this! This was all my fault. I stepped carefully toward her, trying not to spook her.

"What are you doing honey?" I tried to keep the terror out of my voice, but it quavered.

She looked so calm, "Aunt Stephanie, you have your wings right? C'mon, we can fly away together. You can save us, right?" She looked at me so full of hope.

I felt like a complete failure. This was why I did not want children, I couldn't stand to disappoint them and she was going to hate me big time after tonight.

That was, if George didn't shoot us or if Mary Alice didn't jump!

Then, I saw it, a strobing red light, hovering above the rooftops and coming toward us fast. It was the helicopter!

The red flashes of light and sound of the whirring blades drowned out our sound and senses. We stood transfixed, watching the helicopter.

What to do, I asked myself, what to do?

Funny, I thought, this was a very red day. It was Life or Death and that was pending the outcome of the color red!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Don't worry, Aunt Stephanie," Mary Alice stated solemnly, "I'll be all right. Watch me fly!"

And then she jumped!

I screamed and sagged to my knees, my fists clenched in agony. How could this be?

George stopped talking into the phone, looked at me a moment, then keeled over in a dead faint!

I ran to him and grabbed the phone, kicking him a few times as I yelled at Ranger to send an ambulance for Mary Alice.

I didn't want her to be hurt, but three freaking stories seemed way too far to fall.

Forcing myself to look, I ran to the edge and leaned over the ledge right where she had jumped.

Lula stood on the ground under me, waving at me.

Right next to her stood Mary Alice!

There was a huge white sheet on the ground next to Mary Alice.

She pointed to it and yelled up to me, "See Aunt Stephanie, I told you I'd be ok!"

A group of people stood with them and they were all laughing and clapping each other on the back. It looked like the party had started without me. There were several people from my apartment complex there, hugging Mary Alice. Obviously, she'd had a lot of help with her flying escapade.

The ambulance arrived, sirens flashing that wonderful color red! Police cars were lined up and down the street and Ranger stood by a flowering pear tree, his cell phone to his ear. He saluted me when he saw me looking his way. I gave a tiny wave back! I was sure I saw him mouth the word, "Babe".

I couldn't hear all they were saying what with the ruckus going on, but I felt a bit faint myself!

Next thing I knew, I felt arms going around me.

I turned and looked at Joe Morelli. He dragged me to him and kissed me hard.

The helicopter was already leaving and Gazarra was assisting the ambulance EMT's with their prisoner patient, George E Porshee.

Seeing Joe kiss me, the guys began to chant, reciting the poem about Georgy Porgy kissing the girls and making them cry.

Was I crying? If so, they were all happy tears.

And, it was all due to that glorious color RED!

The End


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